Twilight, or, Beautiful Teenage Vampire Boys Make Me Tingle In My Bathing Suit Area

My first vampire crush occurred when I was about 8 years old and my cousin showed me The Lost Boys. I was terrified of everything, and she was a horror movie buff so she thought vampires were a good way to get me into the genre. Evidently, this event changed my life. Within two years I saw Bram Stoker's Dracula in the theater (if you're doing the math,I was 10 or so when this happened, and sit at this computer blogging about Twilight at the age of 26).

This new found fascination with vampires led to a total obsession with Anne Rice in my pre-teen and teen years. I read the vampire chronicles repeatedly, watched the movie over and over again, and lusted after her denizens of the night. They were beautiful, and not just because they were played by Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. The visuals that I imagined from the book were more beautiful than any Hollywood star could ever portray. My favorite in the books was Armand and I considered it a travesty that Antonio Banderas played him in the film. In reality (or the reality of Anne Rice's world)Armand was turned at the age of 17, he looked like an angel, with long curly auburn hair. I can't even put a number to the times I fantasized about these characters in my formative years. I don't know what exactly it was that turned me on so much. Perhaps it was a combination of their sexuality and also lack of sexuality. Anne Rice's vamps can't have sex, in fact are sexless, but yet they drip of lust.

This is an obsession that has long laid dormant. I read the books until I exhausted them, I watched the movie until I knew it by heart, and then sometime later the feelings went away. I'd watch other vampire movies, but none had the draw of Lestat or Louis or Armand. Then, my interest piqued by the whole Twilight phenomenon, I added the film to my Netflix. And yesterday I was introduced to Edward Cullen.

When he first appeared on screen I was immediately in love, as Bella is probably supposed to be (and doesn't do a very good job of showing). Here he was, the complete and total epitome of my teenage fantasies, right in front of me. I'll admit that an obsession started right then and there. His eyes, his hair, his teeth, his clothes, his voice EVERYTHING made me feel like a teenager again and insanely jealous of those girls who still are.

I was immediately turned on.

Which then raised all sorts of moral question, like "If Edward were real,is it still considered statutory rape if he's 17, but also 108 years old?" If vampires were real, how would our legislature handle these problems?

Then I considered asking my boyfriend if he'd be down for some role playing, he the vampire, me the helpless mortal who falls in love with him. I'd beg him to turn me, but alas, he wouldn't because I wouldn't understand the choice I was making or the price I would pay. However, even though he's usually up for kinky stuff, I think he'd be horrified if he knew this request came out of something as stupid and meaningless as a teen vampire story. Which is sad because I've never begrudged him his porn, I've even watched with him on many occasions. But I know he'd rain on my vampire lust parade.

As I write, Twilight is on the screen for the third time in a 24 hour period. I put it on this time because I sat down to write this and I wanted to make sure I didn't...um...forget how fucking hot Edward is. Plus, as someone who's been obsessed with many things in my past, I've learned the best way to get rid of it is to totally immerse myself in it until I get bored. But for now, fictional or no, this is the man of my dreams (Sorry, faithful boyfriend who I love dearly and would never leave. Unless it was for Edward Cullen.)

Now then. Where did I put my vibrator?