The Cold War, Literally, or, Why Russians Still Make Me Uncomfortable

Ah, the Olympics. As time goes on, this tradition seems stranger and stranger to me. The Vancouver Olympics has seemed odd from the outset (luger dying, lack of snow in Canada (!), overheard "adult" conversation between Shaun White and manager). These events, particular to this Olympic year, aren't the only things that seem odd. Is biathlon really a relevant sport anymore? Granted, I don't live in any sort of Alpine country, nor do I ski or shoot rifles. However, I caught some of this event this year and could NOT help but laugh. What a fucking strange combination of things to do. Once again...it probably seemed relevant at some point: it's olden times and you live near the Alps so skiing and shooting things was probably a logical way to get sustenance. And who are the Olympic athletes that train their entire lives to win a gold in this event? Is biathlon really someone's passion? Inquiring minds want to know.

I haven't really been keeping tabs on this years Olympics much (other than, once again, dead luger). However, I chose to tune in on exactly the right night: Men's Figure Skating finals. I offer two exhibits as to why Men's Figure Skating is superior to all other Winter Olympic Events:





Yeah thats right! Only in figure skating can you look woeful while wearing glitter snakes wrapped around you! Only in figure skating will you be crowned with roses and look like the Queen of fucking England even if you LOSE!

I mean these things earnestly and not cynically. When I tuned in last night around 10p.m., thinking I was on my way to bed, I got hooked watching a bunch of men in silly costumes skate their heart out for the gold. Just when I thought I'd turn in anyway, Evan Lysacek turned out this spectacular performance. What was I to do? Risk being crabby today for staying up later than I should have? Or risk missing USA win its first Men's Gold since 1988? I chose the former and I'm not even a little sorry I did it.

What is it about the Russians that still instills in me this feeling of uber-competitiveness? Something about growing up in the 80's, watching the Russian Olympians was always scary (particularly their gymnasts look like stern assholes with no soul). It's like all Russians are Ivan Drago, ready to kick your ass and kill your best friend. Today, I'm almost nostalgic for the days when the USA had a clear cut enemy. All our cinematic villains were Russian, our biggest Olympic competitors were Russian, there was a look, and an accent to put on all our fear. Now it seems we're afraid of everyone and everything.

Which is why when Evan Lysacek beat the pants off the Russian returning champ, I felt a thrill, a sense of pride, and a sense of patriotism I haven't felt in years. In all fairness, the Russian had nice eyes and appeared to take the whole thing fine. That is until today, with his medal bashing "you aren't a champion without a quad" bullshit. Evidently you CAN be a champion without a quad. Quality not quantity, so suck it, Russia!

Now that I've completed my obligatory sense of Olympic fever and national pride, I'll end on a classy, modest note:

USA, MOTHERFUCKER!